George and the Green Bully

23 April is St George’s Day, the national day of England.

Legend has it that George decided to go on a spot of sight seeing and ventured forth towards Arabia. There he met an old tramp who spun him a tale about a mythical beast that was giving everyone a hard time. It seemed that this beast, called a dragon, was about be given a young princess as a sacrifice. George wasn’t keen on that sort of nonsense and thought the best approach was to reason with the dragon character, suggest they went for a few beers or failing that an ASBO should be recommended, probably the only way to deal with the blighter.

George struggled to find a decent hotel en route that would welcome his trusty steed. So he ploughed on through night and day. He encountered a rather large group of women making a loud noise and realised they were crying. He smiled as his teeth had been whitened the week before, and the dazzle stopped them in their tracks.  Wherefore art thou wailing? He asked (it’s meant to be in the Middle Ages) and they told him they were being threatened by an obese bully who stayed out late, made far too much noise and was disrupting the neighbourhood. George suggested they retired indoors, to the safety of the Grand House and he went off in search of the ill-mannered hooligan.

As he entered a large waste ground area, that looked like it had potential to become a regeneration zone, the dragon came forward. He had terrible bad breath and clearly hadn’t seen a dental hygienist for years. George started speaking sensibly, but the dragon wasn’t having any of it. He had the brass nerve to attack George. So ever resourceful, he threw a packet of mints at him, hoping he’d munch one or two, but that didn’t work. He then lobbed an apple at the dragon from his lunch box that his Aunt Matilda had packed, but that didn’t work either.  The dragon continued to rush towards him and purely in self-defence, George, thankful he’d brought his sabre not the epee, decided to give him some of his own medicine. He moved his weapon in a sweeping motion from Tierce to Quarte, after all, he’d seen Zorro do this once or twice, and somehow the blade landed under the dragon’s wing. In one fell swoop, the dragon huffed and crashed to the ground.

This was a bit tricky. George was alone in the wilderness, far from home and had just destroyed a large green beast. There were no witnesses, but it was self-defence. He wiped his blade, mounted his trusted steed and cantered off towards the Grand House. Greeted by scores of anxious womenfolk, he explained that the over-sized green bully wouldn’t bother them again.

Funky Jacks perfect when you want your team to win

To symbolise their gratitude, they presented George with a pair of cuff-links, hand crafted in vitreous enamel. The dragon had robbed the enamellers of the traditional red and white paints, so they created funky jacks, a variation on the union flag, using exotic and vibrant colours.

George returned home and wore his funky jacks as a memory of his Arabian nights.

Within the year he vanished from view and was never heard of again. Some say he returned to Arabia and set up an enamelling business, some say he travelled the globe, exploring one new country each year.

Whatever became of George, we’d like to share 7 fascinating facts about him, collected from several reliable sources:

1.     His favourite colour was violet

2.     His horse was not called Trigger

3.     He liked pie and mash on Friday nights

4.     He wasn’t keen on bullying

5.     His favourite cufflinks were the vitreous enamel funky union jacks

6.     Red didn’t do much for his complexion

7.     He liked mints and visited the dental hygienist every six months